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Self expression

This week I’ve been thinking a lot about the why behind this blog. When people ask me why I want to share my thoughts and put myself out there, I immediately state that it’s to share ideas, connect with likeminded people and find my tribe. But I’ve been scratching the surface and the deeper I dig, the more confused I feel about my intentions behind this blog.

My mother pointed something out to me a few days ago over dinner. She said she felt I have a chip on my shoulder, a need to prove something to the world, more specifically, a need to prove my worth. I immediately got defensive “No! I just want to find my tribe and build a wholesome community!”

But the more I sit with it, the more I realise how true her statement actually is. Part of my wanting to put myself out there and share these thoughts, ideas and experiences is a way to seek validation or acceptance in some way.

The truth is that I struggle in Seychelles. This country is breathtakingly beautiful, but I have never really fit in here. My childhood was beautiful, don’t get me wrong. I am extremely lucky to have grown up right on the beach, on a small island (Praslin) with so much freedom, surrounded by nature and a loving family. But things changed a lot after my parents split up, especially when I hit my teens and started searching for my place in this world.

As far as I remember I have ALWAYS had an issue with authority, I never understood blind faith and always questioned everything and everyone, including my parents. This has often gotten me into trouble, especially growing up in Seychelles at that time. The country was basically under dictatorship, the schooling system was very forceful, authoritarian and the culture was not at all in line with asking questions or encouraging individuality. For a child with my fire, passion and rage, it really was a recipe for disaster. I went to 3 different local schools, left the country for 2 years where I went to another 2 different schools, only to come back and finally settle in at the international school at 13 years old. My parents split when I was 10, my father had gone off on his own journey, leaving my broken hearted mother alone to figure out what to do with this intense, wild and untameable teenager with learning difficulties. Let’s just say it was a mess. The more people tried to fit me into a box, the harder I fought - the harder I fought, the more people tried to push me in a box. It was the start of a very toxic and painful cycle that led me straight to rock bottom.

It was when I finally left Seychelles again, this time on my own accord that I first started figuring out who I was. That sense of freedom where no one knew me, no one cared what choices or mistakes I had made or how I wanted to live. Leaving Seychelles was the best thing that could have ever happened to me, I really believe I would be completely fucked up or might not even be alive right now if I had not left when I did. I left for 5 years and did not come back once during that time.

Moving back here has been a bit of a roller coaster ride, I’ve had to face a lot of what I left behind, parts of myself I did not want to see and emotions hidden away - anger, pain and desperation. Living in Seychelles brings me to my knees but I believe those were and are lessons to guide me and give me the opportunity to speak up and create a more tolerant, compassionate and loving space for the future generations and my own children.

I am now at a point in life where I’ve come to realise that after all the years of travelling solo, figuring out who I was and who I wanted to be, I came back and slowly started imposed similar limitations and restrictions upon myself all over again. It was so deeply ingrained in me growing up here that I ended up doing it to myself by myself. There is a part of me that is screaming to be heard, seen and recognised for the imperfect human I am.

I am struggling to figure out if my wanting to share and speak openly is another search of validation outside of myself. My mother keeps reminding me that there is a way to approach things, especially in a narrow minded community like Seychelles - “You cannot just expose yourself and give people the ammunition they are waiting for to shoot you down”.

I can be quite controversial, I often trigger people or say things they don’t want to hear, I ask questions, challenge beliefs and call people out. It’s always been something that has bitten me in the butt time and time again and caused a lot of conflict.

I want to learn to be more mindful about how I express myself, what I share and put out into the world. I know sometimes I can be very dark and negative, all doom and gloom. I also know this doesn’t help anyone. There are things I want to talk about which will really open me up to being burnt at the stake. I think the world will never change if we don’t start communicating and opening up, learning to hear each other and hold space for one another.

These are parts of myself that I want to share because I see a lot of people struggling with the current state of the world, people who don’t fit in, who don’t just accept common narrative or the twisted way things are just because “that’s the way it is”. I also think opening up about these things will help me heal and understand deeper parts of myself that I have not yet faced.

We just recently changed government for the first time in over 40 years. But people are still afraid to speak openly, now due to the fear of being judged and criticised by their peers. As a society we have always been taught to keep our mouths shut and not question authority. As someone who has never and will never do this, I still get a lot of grief from narrow minded people in the community and often still struggle with his.

As a highly emotional and sensitive human, I need to channel a lot of what I live through and learn. The more I think about it, the more I realise how desperate I am for a space where I can be real, imperfect and share those messier parts of myself with people on my wavelength who can understand the path of self-development and growth. I am lucky to have a partner who is the most loving and kind human on this planet, but I still don’t feel I’ve found my place in the local community. There is still so much judgement, hypocrisy and toxicity. Our country is beautiful but our society is sick, there is so much darkness and pain and I can only see it getting worse, especially for the poorer people.

I realise I haven't painted Seychelles in a very positive light in this post, this is just where these thoughts have taken me this week. I want to open up a space for honest conversations, it is important for us to have a sense of community and be able to express ourselves freely.

That being said I don’t want to overshare, complain, rant and dump. These are the lines I am toying with and trying to position intelligently.

This post is very much about me, so I want to leave YOU with a question - Are there parts of yourself you want to expose and share with the world? And more importantly why?

If you are someone who doesn’t feel the need to share publicly, how do you express yourself and channel your emotions?

Thank you for reading. I would love to hear your thoughts :-)

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